Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Happy Thoughts
Dedicated to JBlair
I know there are going to be a large amount of angry blogs out there today, especially if they originate in New York, so I thought I'd take this post-election day to talk about something more positive: my most favorite recent subway experiences.
#1
On Saturday, Lauren and I decided to have a lazy night. We were going to get pizza and watch The Godfather because (gasp!) I'd never seen it before. For the record, I still haven't seen more than the first 30 minutes because that's about the time April got back from her week in Texas so we spent the rest of the night talking and making my hair into the biggest afro I've ever seen on a white girl. It really was spectacular. I'll share pictures when I get them developed. But before all that, we went down to Barnes and Noble so she could get a book to read to the kiddies at church the next morning (where we were THOROUGHLY disturbed by a book we saw in the "Teen" section called Summer Boys), and then we went to PetCo (where the pets go) to get a kitty bed for Aga so he'd get out of my chair and stop shedding all over my sheet, and THEN we went to Tasti-D-Lite where we got 2 quarts for the price of 1, and FINALLY we got pizza and started the movie.
ANYWHO...
On the subway headed downtown, Lauren was blotting her face grease (yumm) and the guy sitting across from us noticed and started laughing. We thought he just had a good sense of humor so we laughed with him. Then we realized he was really high...and drunk...and Latino (not that there's ANYTHING wrong with being Latino, but it made all the y's come out like j's, dictation forthcoming). The conversation went something like this:
High Guy: (very slurred speech) Jou shouldn't do that.
Lauren: Why not?
HG: Becouze of the it looking like that.
Lauren and Beth: (Confused, tentative laughter)
1 minute later as Lauren is applying pressed powder
HG: Jou shouldn't do that.
Lauren: Why not?
HG: Becouze the sweat will make it all...
Lauren: (Wondering why High Guy is giving her make-up tips) Uh huh
HG: (To Beth) I like jour hair.
Beth: (Not understanding the slurred speech) What?
HG: Jour hair. I like it.
Beth: Oh, thanks.
HG: Tha's how I want mines.
Beth: I'll send you to my stylist.
HG: (Pulling at his hair as if trying to make it grow) Jus' give me another half a year.
Beth: Mmkay.
HG: Can I have jour phone number?
Beth: No.
HG: Can I have jour number so I can talk to jou?
Beth: No.
HG: Can I talk to jou again?
Beth: No.
HG: I want jour phone number.
Beth: No.
2 minutes later, High Guy decides he wants to stand REALLY inappropriately close to me, and the conversation coninues as he breathes his nasty alcohol breath on my head:
HG: I love jour eyes.
Beth: Yikes.
HG: I love jour eyes.
Beth: Um...thanks?
HG: I love jour eyes.
Beth: Please don't stand so close to me.
Then, halleluia, we got to his stop and he finally left me alone. By the end, however, everyone on the train had realized what was going on and was snickering to themselves. I for one didn't find it nearly that entertaining until later.
#2
This one has no dialogue. Halloween in New York is just really entertaining in general. On the subway coming home from the parade where Emily Furr and I were dressed as elementary school teachers (complete with Halloween-themed vest and gold star stickers), I sat across from a man dressed as a giant sperm...and not just any giant sperm...Super Sperm. I personally think any man who feels the need to show it off has serious issues with his own masculinity.
p.s. That man was Donald Trump.
Just kidding.
I know there are going to be a large amount of angry blogs out there today, especially if they originate in New York, so I thought I'd take this post-election day to talk about something more positive: my most favorite recent subway experiences.
#1
On Saturday, Lauren and I decided to have a lazy night. We were going to get pizza and watch The Godfather because (gasp!) I'd never seen it before. For the record, I still haven't seen more than the first 30 minutes because that's about the time April got back from her week in Texas so we spent the rest of the night talking and making my hair into the biggest afro I've ever seen on a white girl. It really was spectacular. I'll share pictures when I get them developed. But before all that, we went down to Barnes and Noble so she could get a book to read to the kiddies at church the next morning (where we were THOROUGHLY disturbed by a book we saw in the "Teen" section called Summer Boys), and then we went to PetCo (where the pets go) to get a kitty bed for Aga so he'd get out of my chair and stop shedding all over my sheet, and THEN we went to Tasti-D-Lite where we got 2 quarts for the price of 1, and FINALLY we got pizza and started the movie.
ANYWHO...
On the subway headed downtown, Lauren was blotting her face grease (yumm) and the guy sitting across from us noticed and started laughing. We thought he just had a good sense of humor so we laughed with him. Then we realized he was really high...and drunk...and Latino (not that there's ANYTHING wrong with being Latino, but it made all the y's come out like j's, dictation forthcoming). The conversation went something like this:
High Guy: (very slurred speech) Jou shouldn't do that.
Lauren: Why not?
HG: Becouze of the it looking like that.
Lauren and Beth: (Confused, tentative laughter)
1 minute later as Lauren is applying pressed powder
HG: Jou shouldn't do that.
Lauren: Why not?
HG: Becouze the sweat will make it all...
Lauren: (Wondering why High Guy is giving her make-up tips) Uh huh
HG: (To Beth) I like jour hair.
Beth: (Not understanding the slurred speech) What?
HG: Jour hair. I like it.
Beth: Oh, thanks.
HG: Tha's how I want mines.
Beth: I'll send you to my stylist.
HG: (Pulling at his hair as if trying to make it grow) Jus' give me another half a year.
Beth: Mmkay.
HG: Can I have jour phone number?
Beth: No.
HG: Can I have jour number so I can talk to jou?
Beth: No.
HG: Can I talk to jou again?
Beth: No.
HG: I want jour phone number.
Beth: No.
2 minutes later, High Guy decides he wants to stand REALLY inappropriately close to me, and the conversation coninues as he breathes his nasty alcohol breath on my head:
HG: I love jour eyes.
Beth: Yikes.
HG: I love jour eyes.
Beth: Um...thanks?
HG: I love jour eyes.
Beth: Please don't stand so close to me.
Then, halleluia, we got to his stop and he finally left me alone. By the end, however, everyone on the train had realized what was going on and was snickering to themselves. I for one didn't find it nearly that entertaining until later.
#2
This one has no dialogue. Halloween in New York is just really entertaining in general. On the subway coming home from the parade where Emily Furr and I were dressed as elementary school teachers (complete with Halloween-themed vest and gold star stickers), I sat across from a man dressed as a giant sperm...and not just any giant sperm...Super Sperm. I personally think any man who feels the need to show it off has serious issues with his own masculinity.
p.s. That man was Donald Trump.
Just kidding.
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