Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Interview With a Super Hero
It started out as a normal gmail conversation, flowing effortlessly from topic to topic, leading inevitably to that of language. Before I knew what was happening, I was no longer in the cyber presence of my friend (who shall remain anonymous) but her super hero alter-ego. For those of you who have always stood in awe of her, I give you a special glimpse into the life and passion of...
Captain Lexicon.
CL: stupid stupid stupid! i was never to reveal my superhero alter-ego, and now look what i've done! you must not tell anyone that i'm also Captain Lexicon. Please, Beth, I beg you--for the sake of people in semantic distress everywhere, don't go to the press with what you know. It would only get in the way of my superhero work.
Me: Oh my gosh, I just got into a debate/quasi-argument with one of the teachers who thinks that in the future, English speakers won't use an auxiliary verb to form the negative (doesn't, don't, didn't, won't). She thinks they'll just simplify it to a "no" just like the romance languages.
Now, I'm fully aware of the evolution of language over time, but this won't happen in English because it is the auxiliary that indicates the time, and I just don't see us saying "I no went to the concert." That's not how we roll. Furthermore, even though it's conceivable in the past, there's no way to use a future verb without will or will not, so that can't change unless we invent a whole new system of conjugation. If that happens, we really can't call it English any more, and then the whole argument breaks down because you can't say that future generations of English speakers will do something if by the time it happens, they aren't speaking English any more.
Somehow I feel like I should conclude with a hearty God Save the Queen.
CL: In this mini-rant, I see no evidence of a promise not to reveal my identity as Captain Lexicon.
God Save the Queen, indeed. I no want to see such things happen to my beloved English language. It no never happen. (That's my version of dropping the auxiliary while expressing future tense.)
Me: Next thing you know, we won't need subject pronouns either.
I can't believe how passionate I got about auxiliary verbs. (Possibly identifying information deleted) I was definitely fired up. You should have been too, captain.
Your secret, by the way, is safe with me...and Diana. What does your outfit look like? Do you have to wear it under everything, or do you just carry it around all the time?
CL: My outfit? Are you saying you've never witnessed the adventures of Captain Lexicon before?! I, I--I don't know what to say. I didn't think there was a verbally expressing soul in the world who was unaware of me... but if you're not, you're not.
My outfit is a finely treated parchment scroll wrapped around me sort of like a toga and tied over my shoulder with sturdy burlap twine. The scroll toga is decorated by beautiful calligraphy spelling out some of my favorite words--most of which the general public has never heard of and does not know how to pronounce. Around my wrists I wear golden spiral bracelets, and behind each ear I have a fountain pen--one with black ink and the other with red. My hair is pulled back by a shiny golden tiara with rubies and sapphires in it--but it doubles as a boomerang for when I need to edit spoken grammar. The tiara boomerang has the power to snatch bad grammar out of thin air, bring it back to me, and I crush it with my bare hands. Also, I walk around in super-powered Manolo Blahniks: they don't do anything about lexical problems, but they look FABULOUS without hurting my feet.
As for where I keep my outfit, it's hanging in my closet. I change in random places like other superheroes--not phone booths anymore though. Thanks to Superman that's become too obvious.
Any thoughts on how I can make my name more feminine? I've been considering changing it for some time now. Suggestions?
I think we later decided on Lady Lexicon as a new, more feminine name, but that was over lunch in an undisclosed location that could give away Lady Lexicon's true identity, so I shan't share it with you all.
Captain Lexicon.
CL: stupid stupid stupid! i was never to reveal my superhero alter-ego, and now look what i've done! you must not tell anyone that i'm also Captain Lexicon. Please, Beth, I beg you--for the sake of people in semantic distress everywhere, don't go to the press with what you know. It would only get in the way of my superhero work.
Me: Oh my gosh, I just got into a debate/quasi-argument with one of the teachers who thinks that in the future, English speakers won't use an auxiliary verb to form the negative (doesn't, don't, didn't, won't). She thinks they'll just simplify it to a "no" just like the romance languages.
Now, I'm fully aware of the evolution of language over time, but this won't happen in English because it is the auxiliary that indicates the time, and I just don't see us saying "I no went to the concert." That's not how we roll. Furthermore, even though it's conceivable in the past, there's no way to use a future verb without will or will not, so that can't change unless we invent a whole new system of conjugation. If that happens, we really can't call it English any more, and then the whole argument breaks down because you can't say that future generations of English speakers will do something if by the time it happens, they aren't speaking English any more.
Somehow I feel like I should conclude with a hearty God Save the Queen.
CL: In this mini-rant, I see no evidence of a promise not to reveal my identity as Captain Lexicon.
God Save the Queen, indeed. I no want to see such things happen to my beloved English language. It no never happen. (That's my version of dropping the auxiliary while expressing future tense.)
Me: Next thing you know, we won't need subject pronouns either.
I can't believe how passionate I got about auxiliary verbs. (Possibly identifying information deleted) I was definitely fired up. You should have been too, captain.
Your secret, by the way, is safe with me...and Diana. What does your outfit look like? Do you have to wear it under everything, or do you just carry it around all the time?
CL: My outfit? Are you saying you've never witnessed the adventures of Captain Lexicon before?! I, I--I don't know what to say. I didn't think there was a verbally expressing soul in the world who was unaware of me... but if you're not, you're not.
My outfit is a finely treated parchment scroll wrapped around me sort of like a toga and tied over my shoulder with sturdy burlap twine. The scroll toga is decorated by beautiful calligraphy spelling out some of my favorite words--most of which the general public has never heard of and does not know how to pronounce. Around my wrists I wear golden spiral bracelets, and behind each ear I have a fountain pen--one with black ink and the other with red. My hair is pulled back by a shiny golden tiara with rubies and sapphires in it--but it doubles as a boomerang for when I need to edit spoken grammar. The tiara boomerang has the power to snatch bad grammar out of thin air, bring it back to me, and I crush it with my bare hands. Also, I walk around in super-powered Manolo Blahniks: they don't do anything about lexical problems, but they look FABULOUS without hurting my feet.
As for where I keep my outfit, it's hanging in my closet. I change in random places like other superheroes--not phone booths anymore though. Thanks to Superman that's become too obvious.
Any thoughts on how I can make my name more feminine? I've been considering changing it for some time now. Suggestions?
I think we later decided on Lady Lexicon as a new, more feminine name, but that was over lunch in an undisclosed location that could give away Lady Lexicon's true identity, so I shan't share it with you all.
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