Onward Hoe!

Dear Donald Miller,

I realize that you are Donald Miller and will, therefore, most likely shoot down my request quicker than I can say “Emilio Estevez,” but just hear me out. For the past year and a half or so, some of the gals down at the church house have been putting out a quarterly online magazine, which is available for your perusal/inevitable approval at www.dirtydishonline.com. We’ve been having some crazy ideas lately about publishing a print version of the Dirty Dish in addition to stepping up our online publication to a monthly gig. In order to do this, we need more readers and more writers. So we’re dreaming up a writers’ conference to be held here in Raleigh, hosted by the Dirty Dish, for all the locals with any interest in such things. We haven’t worked out all the details just yet (personally, I’m not much of a planner), but we’re pretty sure a conference needs a speaker and maybe some workshops. That’s where you come in.

Clearly you are a busy man, but I can see on your website that you’re going to be on the east coast for much of February anyway, so I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind just swinging through Raleigh for a couple of days to speak at our little shindig. We don’t have any money to give you, but here’s what we can offer:
- flight
- lodging
- personal chauffeuring in a plush 2005 Toyota Corolla CE with an excellent and rather wide selection of music
- hot Krispy Kreme doughnuts
- Lilly’s pizza. This means nothing to you now, but rest assured, it’s worth the trip.
- a free lifetime subscription to the Dirty Dish
- a date (or two, depending on how long you stay)
- therapeutic massage (by a legitimate massage therapist, not me)
- naked pictures of Bea Arthur (not really, but if you get that movie reference, then I want you to come that much more)
- community away from home (by which I mean up to 500 adoring female fans)
- a carousel ride in the mall
- a haiku in your honor
- an oh-so-urbanized homemade t-shirt
- an evening of karaoke
- a stylish new ‘do compliments of Raleigh’s swankiest, most cutting-edge stylist
- a personal invitation to a fantastic film and food fiesta
- home-cooked meals
- one tres leches cake
- our eternal gratitude
- treasure in heaven
- a Snickers
- a private concert by up-and-coming band, Balaam’s Chatty Ass

What do you say, Donald Miller? Will you do it?

Sincerely,
Beth Parent

P.S. I’ve paused several times in the writing of this email to say “Emilio Estevez.” I shall also commence to chanting it as soon as this is sent, so that the record might show that even if you shoot me down, I’m still faster.