Onward Hoe!

WARNING: I am about to tell you the most disgusting story ever posted on this blog. Ever. I'm not even kidding. If you are easily grossed out, have a weak stomach, or are still queasy from looking at Harry Potter naked with that horse, just stop reading now. I mean it.

Some of you are going to say in your heads, some will say out loud, "I can't believe she posted this." Some of you will call me, change the third person 'she' to the second person 'you,' and pose the same response. I might even change the whole thing to the first person 'I' after it's all said and done. We'll see.

But seriously, don't say I didn't warn you. This is so gross, and it's going to be very detailed, and about poop. If you don't want to read about dooky, just navigate right away from this page. Come back another day when there's a new post up.

Ok, here we go...

I had to poop yesterday, which I do every day, which I didn't realize isn't normal for everyone. Apparently some people don't poop daily. A good friend of mine, baffled, asked me the other night if I eat a lot of fiber. I have no idea. I just know that every day when I get home from work, I have to go. So I went yesterday. And you know how you can tell what kind of poop it's going to be as it's coming out (sometimes even as it is forming within you) - whether it'll be a clean wipe or a multi-wipe/multi-flush situation. Well this one was going to be a multi-wiper. In fact, I knew I was going to have to be careful lest it turn into a shower-rinser.

I was surprised that I so easily avoided a shower-rinse. I knew I had a clinger, and after much bouncing and shaking, I knew it was still there, so I went in very gingerly with the t.p. so as to capture it without smushing and smearing it everywhere. I came up fairly empty-handed (well, empty-t.p.'d, my hand didn't touch anything). A few more wipes, and I was clean as a whistle. I stood up, put the lid down and flushed.

I always put the lid down for many reasons. I think it makes the bathroom look neater, I like to think that it keeps germs contained and off of my toothbrush, and in a #2 situation, I like to think that it contains the smell a little. And it's so automatic and natural now that I lift and sit, stand and lower each in one fluid motion. I might have used the bathroom twice more between the poop I just shared and the final bed-time pee without noticing it.

So I was getting ready for bed last night, and I went to take the aforementioned bed-time leak. I lifted the lid and sat down, did my business, and was standing and lowering the lid, reaching for the flusher when something caught my eye. I almost ignored it, but after flushing, I thought again. I lifted the lid to investigate, and there, stuck to the inside of the lid was...

THE CLINGER.

I don't know how it jumped from my butt to the toilet paper to the lid. This must have been some acrobatic poo, but there it was. Still hanging on to the porcelain HOURS later. I almost vomited. Then I busted out the Clorox wipes and sanitized the whole area just in case. Not that it makes a whole lot of difference. Apparently there is fecal matter everywhere. But I guess we can all do our parts to eradicate the poo, so that's what I did.

And now I feel dirty, like I need to clean everything I'm touching. I'm going to go wash my hands.