Onward Hoe!

I keep thinking that there MUST be something worthwhile to blog about, but as it turns out, my life is utterly unexciting at the moment. I've been lounging around the apartment all week in a general state of quiescence, which has been nice, but not nearly as productive as I should have been. This just means that I haven't gotten ahead like I'd planned and that I'll now have to go back to hustling and bustling every week like always. Oh well. I only have to do it for about 3 more weeks!! Yes yes yes! I have 3 more weeks of teaching, 3 more weeks of school and then I'm going to graduate (holy crap) and go "home" (and by "home," I mean Charleston) for Christmas on the 21st!!

I did have a slight revelation the other night (and by "the other night," I mean about 2 weeks ago) that there is a whole generation of Americans who, although they have shelter, are really kind of homeless. I thought about this when I was calling Mandy and telling her to call me on my cell phone. Then I realized that there was no other way for her to call me. The cell phone is all I've got. I am completely mobile. This is liberating and terrifying all at once. I have the potential (though maybe not the funding) to go anywhere and do anything with my life, and once I have the M.A. under my belt, I can almost literally throw a dart at a world map, pack my stuff and go (unless of course the dart lands in a body of water). The possibilities are endless. And then I remember that I'm in my mid-twenties and have to actually make those kinds of decisions, which makes me want to run to the phone company and set up a land line just so I'll be tied down (tied down with the strength of 1-ply toilet paper, I realize, but you get the point).

What is it about us (because I don't think it's just me) that makes us so antsy to go and experience and have adventures while at the same time longing for home...real home, not "home"? I have this debate with myself every couple of months. I want to go. No, I want to stay. No, I want to stay but do something else. No, I want to go somewhere familiar but different. No, screw it all...I'm going overseas. Wait, I'm not ready for that. Oh, it doesn't matter. If I go and then change my mind, I can come back. If I go and then want to go somewhere else entirely, I can do that too. Is it really time to go or am I just bored? Is boredom an indication that it's time to go? Will I ever have a place I don't get bored with? Will I ever settle down? Will I have a home?

Home is where the heart is, and I guess that's the problem. My real home is nowhere to be found on Earth. I am reminded of that every time I leave the country and come back to find that society has proceeded without me. I don't perfectly fit any more here, but I don't fit at all where I was either. And where is my heart anyway? Although I will always say that I'm from Wilkesboro, it's not there. Although I spent 5 of my favorite years in Greenville, it's not there either. New York? I love New York. New York is fabulous, but I'm ready to leave. My family spans the country. My friends are scattered all over the earth. The truth is that while all of these people and places have a special place in my heart, my heart itself belongs to God. God has made a lot of really cool things in the world for us to enjoy: people, experiences, material things, places, etc. They all contribute to the development of our hearts, but in the end, we have to decide where our hearts truly reside. Where is our treasure? Is it in people? experiences? material things? places? things that change and fade and disappoint? Or can we take our hearts, confused and calloused and broken by the world, and place them in the hands of God, "who gives life to the dead and calls things that aren't as though they were," who "works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes," who satisfies, loves, and provides a home for this homeless generation?

Does it matter at all where I am? Not really. God has promised to be with me always to the very ends of the earth, and my cell phone plan will allow me to be reached all over the U.S. I have that kind of freedom.